


( when the sun is up ) i cannot keep you.

by andcntes, kyuthighs



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst, Everyone Has Issues, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 22:12:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14923784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andcntes/pseuds/andcntes, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyuthighs/pseuds/kyuthighs
Summary: he's banging, banging, banging, banging, and donghae wants him to go away. he wants all of it to go away because the one thing he wants, the one person he wants doesn't want him anymore. the one person he wants is the one who is telling him they are bad. the one person he wants is the one who walked away.





	( when the sun is up ) i cannot keep you.

**Author's Note:**

> this is the outcome of us trying to out-angst each other in our twitter dm's.
> 
> comments and kudos as always, are appreciated (◠‿◠✿)

There was a beginning.

 

Siwon knew there were about a million and one things he could have been doing  — no, a million and one things he should have been doing, and yet he made no move to turn away. There was no reason for him to be on this floor; the journalists and photographers usually never interacted face to face. Not unless they were on assignment together. Assignment, that stupid assignment — three whole days in Jeju with one Lee Donghae, and Siwon was obsessed. Obsessed with Donghae’s open mouthed smile, with the soft brown of his eyes, with the mole he could see on the right side of Donghae’s neck (and how he wanted to kiss it — badly). 

“Donghae-ssi,” he trilled, knocking on the other’s office door as he poked his head in. His dimples snuck out of their hiding spot, the indentations forcing his cheeks to cave. Siwon’s eyes sparkled. “I heard you were on lunch break.”

The way Donghae’s eyes widened, the deep brown hue managed to pull Siwon in like one big ploy; or quicksand, whichever caused him to sink faster. He supposed he’s been falling deeper and deeper ever since their eyes met at the magazine’s social. He hated that word.  _ Social _ . Why not just call it a party? He knew why they didn’t. It was because company employees don’t network at parties; they got drunk and hooked up at parties. Those happen after the  _ social _ , at the afterparty. Siwon remembers sauntering over, light on his heels, towards Donghae and extending an invitation. What he remembers more clearly than anything is the rejection; the soft voice in which Donghae had politely declined, citing he had other places to be. The corners of his mouth had quirked upwards, he always did love a challenge.

“Siwon-ssi!” Donghae only hoped the breathless quality to his tone went unnoticed. The same way he hoped Siwon didn’t see the flush which spread across his cheeks and rose to the tips of his ears. His phone buzzed, and Donghae only glanced at Hyukjae’s caller ID before letting it go unanswered. That should have been the first sign. 

“There’s a new ramen place open a few blocks from here,” he suggested, tucking his phone and wallet into his jeans as he stood. 

Time stopped with Siwon. Minutes dulled into hours and hours could very well have bled into days if Donghae had let them. As he sat, enraptured, while Siwon told another tall tale, he couldn’t feel the time moving around them. Siwon waved his chopsticks around, flashing his dimples as he laughed loud enough to fill the whole restaurant — the sound already occupied most, if not all, the space in Donghae’s heart. So when he saw Siwon’s hand raise, Donghae didn’t move away.

He knew he should have; he knew he should’ve erected clearer boundaries, but he didn’t. Donghae’s gaze flickered down to where Siwon’s hand rested against his chin, and his breath caught in his throat, chest constricting as he watched Siwon pull away a lone noodle stuck to his skin. His skin felt as if it was on fire, and his heart pounded a million miles a minute. The butterflies in his stomach seemed to perform some scintillating choreography; Donghae felt as if he would throw up. His cheeks flushed as he mumbled out a soft “Thank you.”

Now, Donghae's eyes focus in on the arm wrapped around the pretty intern's shoulders. His gaze travels up the arm and lands on the familiar dimpled face. He can't believe this. Just the other night, that same arm had been wrapped around him. That dimpled face had been next to his, not some random woman’s.

Donghae is rooted to the spot as his mind combs over that night. They had been out at a bar, like usual. "Out for drinks with friends from work" was the routine he didn't have to technically lie about. But something in the air was different. Donghae's gaze lingered longer on Siwon's features, his hands strayed a little further, stayed a little longer. They had never gone beyond meeting for drinks, but suddenly Siwon's lips were next to Donghae's ear, whispering, his hot breath making Donghae shiver. The next thing Donghae knew he had wound up at Siwon's apartment, their hands clasped together as Siwon led him inside. 

Donghae should have been thinking about Hyukjae. Should have stopped things before they got further than they had. There were a lot of things Donghae should have done but didn't. 

He should've stopped Siwon before he kissed him, his lips brushing gently over Donghae's, testing the waters. He should've pulled away. He should've removed his hands from Siwon's hair, should've kept his lips to himself rather than on Siwon's lips, his face, his neck, his shoulders, his chest. He should've walked out of the apartment, not further in, not towards the bedroom. 

Yes, there were indeed lots of things Donghae should have done. But he didn't do any of them. 

Now the taste of Siwon burns his mouth. The feeling of Siwon touching him, caressing him gently, burns his skin. The words Siwon so softly spoke, words full of love, burn his mind. And the three words Siwon had whispered into his hair after he thought Donghae was asleep burned the brightest of all. However, seeing Siwon with the woman made the words flicker and threaten to fizzle out.

 

There was a middle.   
  


 

When Donghae confronts Siwon about the woman, Siwon takes him by the hands. 

"Donghae, I…” his voice falters, “I love you, but what we're doing isn’t good for either of us." 

The hope that had flared up at Siwon’s confession of love extinguishes at his last words. Donghae's entire body goes cold.  _ No. No no no no no. _

"We need to stop this. It’s only hurting us. It'll only hurt Hyukjae. It’s not right." 

Donghae doesn’t know what to say. His voice is trapped inside him. Part of him sees the logic in Siwon’s words, but he hates it. He hates it because the little things he gets from Siwon fill his life with so much happiness and warmth. The way Siwon speaks his name, the way he fills a room with his laughter, the way he looks at him like he holds the answers to the universe - they make him the happiest he’s ever been. Siwon can’t just take them away just like that? What is he supposed to do? 

The words Siwon’s speaking make Donghae want to take him away. To lock them away where they can’t be found. Where nothing matters except for the two of them. But doing that would hurt Hyukjae, and that’s something Donghae just can’t do. Because he loves Hyukjae, but he loves Siwon too. His mind is tearing itself apart.

He doesn’t even _realize_ Siwon is still talking. 

"I’m going to start meeting people, it’s best for everyone that we just pretend this never happened." 

Then Siwon kisses him softly on the forehead, the feeling of his lips burning Donghae. And then he walks away without looking back. Donghae breaks. How could Siwon leave him so easily? Did he mean nothing to him? Was it all a game? Donghae was just fun to fuck around with until he found a girlfriend? With every thought, another crack snakes its way into Donghae’s heart, threatening to shatter the whole thing.

Donghae manages to drag himself to his shared apartment with Hyukjae and locks himself away. He didn’t look at Hyukjae, didn’t acknowledge his greeting. He didn’t want Hyukjae to see his tears, to question him, to worry over him. He can hear Hyukjae outside of their room, lightly knocking, his concerned voice carrying through the wood.

“Hae? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Hyukjae continues to knock and call out despite the silence that greets him.

“Baby, please answer me. I know you can hear me. Don’t shut me out like this, please.”

Donghae knows he’s probably hurting Hyukjae by not answering, and it’s eating him alive; but the pain of hurting Hyukjae is nothing compared to the pain of not being able to feel Siwon’s fingers, feel his lips, see his dimples, hear his laugh, smell his cologne ever again

Hyukjae continues banging on the door. He's banging, banging, banging,  _ banging _ , and Donghae wants him to go  _ away _ . He wants all of it to go away because the one thing he wants, the one  _ person _ he wants doesn't want him anymore. The one person he wants is the one who is telling him they are bad. The one person he wants is the one who walked away. 

Donghae has never wanted to be a cliche, never wanted to be anything like the love songs which reach the top of the charts, but he has never thought something - somebody - so bad for him could be so good. There are times, times once he's scratched away all the skin of his forearms till there is just red, where he wishes he'd never met Siwon. If he'd never met Siwon, then maybe he'd never know what it would be like to fall out of love with Hyukjae. Is that what has happened? He loves Hyukjae, doesn't he? That's why he couldn't be with Siwon... _right?_

And there's the knocking again, the knock knock knock against the door of their shared apartment, and there's a voice in Donghae's head which tells him this is hurting Hyukjae too. He glances up, lifting his head out of the cocoon he's burrowed himself into, and the moon winks at him. He hates it, hates how something so imperfect can be beautiful. All it does is remind him of Siwon. 

"Don't," he whispers, voice rough from disuse, "you'll hurt yourself Hyukjae..." 

What he wants to say is _I'll hurt you_ , but he's too cowardly to do so. Too cowardly to ask Siwon to stay, too cowardly to leave Hyukjae.

The hours bleed into one another, and the knocks on the door eventually stop. Donghae isn't sure when; he's not quite sure where Hyukjae has gone but he knows what he said last night, his refusal to let the other man (his boyfriend, the man he loves) into his heart will affect them. A part of Donghae, one speaking from so far deep in his chest even its growl is unfamiliar. The fact it growls is unfamiliar itself; it tells him to leave. Isn't this the sign he's looking for? Maybe if he runs, maybe if he leaves right now, without his slippers without changing, still dressed in his work clothes from yesterday, maybe if he hammers on Siwon's door, maybe Siwon will take him back. 

The need for Siwon to take him back rises up his chest, it rises and threatens to choke him. Icy hands wrap around his throat and suddenly Donghae can't breathe, his vision is blurry but he knows; he has to get to Siwon. His footsteps falter, staggering as he gets off the bed, banging his knee against the frame. There are blue spots in his vision, the world tilts, but Donghae forces it down. Siwon, he has to get to Siwon. Even if his feet bleed as he runs the distance from Cheongdam to Apgujeong - he has to. He can't let them end like this, not when he's never felt as alive as he does. 

"Hae?" Hyukjae's voice breaks through and Donghae ignores it. 

If he were even in the slightest of control, he'd realize he's making a mess. The lamp lays shattered a few inches away from his toes, the bedsheet clutched between his fingers as he drags himself to the door. 

"Baby, I'm going to come in." 

And that's when it happens; Hyukjae's voice morphs into Siwon's. Siwon's deep baritone which sends a chill down Donghae's spine. 

"Si-" his tongue feels heavy now, chest constricted. 

He stumbles forward, nearly collapsing in Hyukjae's arms. He believes them to be Siwon's. He thinks maybe Siwon has forgiven him, forgiven him for his indecisions, for his misdirections. Donghae starts to sob in relief. Hyukjae's hands come to cradle his head, stroking through his hair. 

"Hey now, it’s okay. It’s okay, baby, I’m here." Hyukjae whispers comfortingly. "I’ve got you." 

Donghae only hears Siwon's voice though. He sobs harder, thinking Siwon has come back to him, is holding him again, won't leave him again. He clutches at Hyukjae's shirt and sobs out Siwon's name. Hyukjae freezes. 

Donghae doesn't notice through his breakdown and continues, "Siwon, please, don’t leave me. I can’t take it again. Please, I love you." 

Hyukjae swallows dryly, completely numb; he can’t believe what he’s hearing. At his silence, Donghae finally looks up through his tear filled eyes. His heart drops into the pit of his stomach. No no no no. This can’t be happening to him. Siwon was right here he could swear. Siwon was holding him not Hyukjae. Siwon was  _ here _ . Siwon was....not here. Siwon was never here. He'll never be here and that realization hits just as the realization of the words Donghae spoke to Hyukjae reach him. 

Donghae sees the look of betrayal on Hyukjae's face. Can see the tears welling up in his eyes. Can feel his grip on him loosen as he pushes Donghae away. Donghae starts to apologize, he never wanted to hurt Hyukjae like this, but Hyukjae cuts him off. His voice is quiet, some would hear it as calm and composed, but years of knowing Hyukjae let Donghae hear the slight tremble, can hear all the tears he's trying to hold back, all the rage threatening to spill over the surface. 

"Siwon?" Hyukjae asks. "You know that’s not my name, right? Why were you crying for Siwon? Why were you saying you loved Siwon?" 

He runs his hand over his face and continues before Donghae can get a word in. 

"I knew there was something up with you. I’m not an idiot. Or I guess I am considering how I didn’t know you were cheating on me with Siwon?" 

Hyukjae’s voice finally breaks. "How could you do this to me, Donghae? I thought..." He chokes back a sob "I thought you loved me?" 

For the second time, Donghae's heart shatters. 

"Hyuk… I do love you." 

Hyukjae snaps at that. "I don’t want to hear that!. I don’t want to hear your lies. I don’t want to hear your half assed apologies. I don’t… I don’t want to see you." 

"Hyuk, please," Donghae starts to beg but Hyukjae cuts him off.

"Do. Not. Call me Hyuk. I want you out of my sight right now. I don’t care where you go just. Leave." 

Donghae knows if he leaves through the door there will be no fixing his relationship with Hyukjae. The small rational part of him, the one that still cares for Hyukjae screams for him to stay, to wrap Hyukjae in his arms, to endure the screaming, the crying, the hitting. But Donghae can’t stand to look at his broken face. He can’t stand to see what he’s done. So he leaves. And when the door clicks shut, Donghae can hear the loud, choked sob of Hyukjae on the other side. He closes his eyes as fresh tears make their home on his cheeks, but he doesn't go back in.

They say that perhaps the worst sense of all to have lost is the sense of sound, of hearing. There were days when Donghae would agree; he cannot imagine a life where he can't listen to his favourite tracks or the sound of the toaster oven when his leftovers from the night before have finally cooked. But worst of all, Donghae isn't quite sure he can do his job if he can no longer hear; how can he bring stories previously unheard if he himself cannot hear them? It's certainly ironic, that's for sure. 

His fingers shake as he lifts his hand, pushing them through the locks which fall into his eyes. Even with the steps he's managed to take away from the home he'd built with Hyukjae, the tears are something he cannot drown out. It is now he wishes he could go deaf, maybe then he could erase the memory of Hyukjae's sobs. Maybe then he could forget what his name sounds like when it is uttered from Siwon's lips; maybe then he could forget how loud Siwon's laugh was, how it could carry three hallways down. 

He must be cruel, must be a monster of some sort to have broken the heart of a man he's loved since college and to not spare him a second thought. He glances down at his feet, wondering if Hyukjae will let him in for at least some clothes, some shoes. The answer is no, but he tries anway. He erases the steps he had taken away from his broken home and stands in front of the door. He curls his fingers into a fist, gently rapping his knuckles. 

"Hyuk-ah..." His voice is soft; maybe if he begs for forgiveness, Hyukjae will let him in. He has nowhere to go after all. Not when he is barking up a dead tree; Siwon is gone, no matter how much he wants to deny it. Siwon wants nothing to do with him anymore; Donghae is the fool. And Donghae the Fool only has Hyukjae left. He cannot go home, cannot go back to Mokpo and face his family. He can't tell him he broke Hyukjae's heart, can't say he ran away from Seoul because it got too much. 

"Hyukkie, please... Open the door, let's talk it out."

The silence Donghae hears is deafening. He wishes again that he was deaf, that way he wouldn't know that Hyukjae is purposefully remaining silent. The silence is heavy. Donghae can't stand it. 

"Hyukkie, I’m so sorry." He whispers through the door unable to speak louder. 

There's still no response from the other side. Donghae turns his back to it, lets his head thunk against it, hard, the pain from it barely registering. He slides down the door until he's sitting against it. He runs his hands through his hair, the way Siwon would, and he closes his eyes and imagines Siwon was there comforting him. 

He squeezes his eyes shut, the tears won't stop falling. He lets out a soft sob, the reality of his situation crashing down around him. A fool he is indeed. Two of the most important people in his life, gone, just like that. And he has no one to blame but himself. 

While Donghae is crying in the hallway, Hyukjae has made his way to the door. He almost opened it, almost took Donghae back into his arms. Almost almost  _ almost _ . But he didn't. He couldn't. Not yet anyway. Maybe he will never be able to let Donghae back in. Hyukjae, too, slides down the door, his back pressed against Donghae's through the wood. 

Hyukjae closes his eyes as he hears the faint sound of crying. He swallows and wishes more than anything that he could let Donghae in. But he couldn't. He didn't want to be a fool. Hyukjae's tears start to fall from his eyes. He joined the man he still loved in crying about the past, crying about the mistakes, crying about what should have been, crying crying  _ crying _ .

 

And like every story, there was an end.

 

Donghae still remembers the day he first met Hyukjae; they’d been eighteen, fresh into college — both too far from home. He remembers clinging to Hyukjae for dear life, clinging to the boy who reminded him of home, of his mother’s cooking, of the cramped kitchen his entire family forced themselves into for breakfast every morning and every night, of his brothers playing soccer in their backyard. He remembers the day he fell for Hyukjae too. 

“Do you remember when I told you I loved you Hyuk-ah?” His voice is soft, a bitter laugh escapes him. “I do, it was raining.” He shuts his eyes again. “It had been raining for three days and— and we were out of cup ramen so you went to get some.” Tears cling to Donghae’s lashes; why couldn’t he have stayed away? Why couldn’t he have kept his distance from Siwon? 

“I didn’t even have to tell you— we had a few boxes at home but... but we were out of my favourite flavour.” He chokes out a gasp, tears clogging his throat. Donghae wants nothing more than to go back to that, back to when things were easy — when there was no Siwon to lose his heart to. 

“I chased after you— and kissed you in the street.” A bittersweet smile graces his features. “I didn’t care who would see.”

On the other side of the door, Hyukjae has to bite into his fist to keep from crying out. Of course he remembers that day, how could he forget? How could Hyukjae forget standing on the sidewalk, people passing him left and right while he stood still? He had stopped because he heard Donghae calling his name, and Hyukjae would always wait for Donghae. How could he forget the way he smiled as he watched Donghae run towards him in the rain without an umbrella? How could he forget the way the raindrops danced on his skin, clung to his eyelashes, made a home in his hair? How could he forget the way Donghae’s eyes shone with light as they fixed upon Hyukjae's face? 

How could he forget the way Donghae stopped in front of him, pulled the umbrella out of the way, ensuring both of them get soaking wet, and stared into his eyes with a look Hyukjae only dreamed of seeing? How could he forget the way his heart stopped and breathing hitched as he realized Donghae's mouth was moving closer to his? How could he forget the first moment their lips touched, the way Donghae cupped his face, the way he brushed his thumb over his cheekbones? How could he forget the way they just dumbly stared at each other after they pulled away, cheesy smiles breaking out over their faces? How could he forget entwining his fingers with Donghae’s, dragging him towards the market, umbrella forgotten on the street? Every day after that had been like a fever dream. Hyukjae couldn't believe that he could call Donghae his. 

A sad smile makes its way to Hyukjae's lips as he remembers the past. New tears flood his eyes like the rainy day of their first kiss. God, why couldn't they go back. Why couldn't they just go back? Hyukjae slowly stands and presses his forehead to the door. He tries telling himself that he can feel Donghae through the door, can smell his cologne. Hyukjae lets out a shaky breath. 

"I remember." He said softly.

At his words, Donghae shoots up from the floor and mirrors Hyukjae's position - their foreheads separated only by the piece of wood. 

"Hyukjae," Donghae breathes out. 

"Of course I remember," Hyukjae whispers, "and I'll never forget."

With that promise, Hyukjae moves his hand towards the knob, and locks it. The click of the lock finalizes every crack in Donghae's heart.

"I'm sorry." are the last words Donghae hears Hyukjae speak through the locked door.

 

~

 

What Donghae didn't see when Siwon walked away was Siwon clenching his eyes tight, holding back the tears threatening to spill from his eyes. Donghae didn’t see the fractures lining Siwon's heart as he walked away from the only person he's loved this hard, this deep, this truly. Donghae didn’t see the way Siwon's fists banged against his steering wheel as he cursed himself for hurting Donghae, for starting this mess in the first place. Donghae didn’t see Siwon standing in his apartment's shower, now cold water running over his body, too tired, too broken to move from under the stream. Donghae didn’t see how the tears spilling from Siwon's eyes mixed with the shower spray. 

Donghae didn’t hear the thoughts in Siwon's head. He didn't see Siwon replay every secret moment they shared together through his mind. He didn’t see Siwon's mind try to memorize the details of Donghae: the way his lips part, the way his hands feel, the sound of his laugh, the curve of his ear. He didn't see Siwon try to memorize all the little things before they start to slip from his memory. He didn’t see Siwon break at the thought of Donghae becoming just a memory.

The fool didn’t realize the other was a fool too.

  
  



End file.
